Since I declared my love of the Void, the hierarchy of such, and disavowed Christianity in totality, I have been feeling a pull on my soul. I know it seems cliche, but I have this desire to do so much more. That the blaspheming of all things Christian isn’t enough. It feels as though the more I do the more is needed. My declaration of being a lover of all things dark, that I call on Lucifer and Asmodeus as mentors; that I have openly said I love Satan does not seem to quench the fire. I have never done illicit drugs, and was able to quit tobacco just by not doing it with no withdrawals. This is the closest I believe I can be and ever have been to being addicted.
This leaving Christianity has been building for some time. It began about 5 years ago. A key moment in that time frame was when I was researching the Virgin Mother – whore that she is – and came across a wall hanging that supposedly represented the Virgin of Guadalupe. When I first glanced at the the image, all I saw was a large, blood engorged vulva; lips open, clitoris erect and pierced by a golden ring (it was supposed to be a halo). From that day, nothing in Christianity was the same for me. I discovered the Yoni, the ‘fish’ symbol so many Christians use. As a fish, it represents Christ; set vertically ‘on tail’, it is the ancient Yoni symbol of the goddess.
As the song goes,”…I’ve got this burning, burning, yearning feelin’ inside me…”. What I can do to quench it; I don’t know. I have disavowed Christianity; repeatedly and vociferously. I have destroyed all my crucifixes and rosaries into pieces, parts and then scattered. Missals, Bibles and prayer books of every sort have been thrown away, torn apart and burned. I mixed the ashes with apple cider and bourbon, then drank them. Still, I feel that it isn’t enough. The more I do, the greater the pull becomes. I want to lean back in my chair as I write this, close my eyes, open my mouth, allowing all that is dark – all that I now crave – to enter my body and soul. Yet, I still don’t know if that would be enough.