What Made Me…Part I

A new beginning, but do I say the sun has set and the new night of darkness begins? Or, was the light that shone before artificial, like a boy scout’s flashlight, only to be turned off to experience the depth of the darkness and truly see the stars? I have no clue…But it is a choice I made and will continue with in this second life.

My first life, or first 50 yrs of my current life, was spent in reverence of Jesus Christ as told through the doctrines of the Catholic Church. My parents were and are not religious people; yet they sent me to Sunday School at the Methodist Church when I was a toddler. Upon reaching age for Kindergarten, I began attending the local Catholic school; primarily due to it being an all day Kindergarten and would allow my mom to work. I became enthralled by the school, the nuns…the doctrine and discipline. My mother had taught me to read and write by the time I was 18 months old, so I was a quick study. The structure was one I was familiar with; I was at home.

In my early days at school, I was also subject to a series of movies at the local drive-in theater, due to a lack of babysitter. One was “The Exorcist”. Yes – a 5 yr old child, going to Catholic school, seeing that movie on a dark night at a drive-in – trauma ensued. Though now, 45 yrs later, I enjoy looking at images from the movie. I have even masturbated to the image of a ‘possessed’ Linda Blair. You are correct; there’s a perceived psychological hiccup there. But is it really if I am aware of it? If I am conscious of my decision to come to terms with what happened as a child, and go to the other end of the reactionary spectrum, is it an issue? No, especially according to the most recent language in the DSM V. But, that is getting into the ‘tall grass’ which sinks into a ‘rabbit hole’. We shall move on, but I’m sure it will resurface in later posts.

I was not baptized during my time at Catholic school. I would say all the prayers, attend all the functions; yet, at mass on Fridays, I was left in the pew when the other children would go to communion. I didn’t feel left out, at least I don’t remember feeling that way, but I watched and learned. I did play a key role one time. I did play Pontius Pilate for the enacting of the stations of the cross during a Good Friday celebration; I was the magistrate who condemned Jesus to death.

So, I move from the Catholic School to the county public school system for junior high and beyond…So, a nerdy, overweight, introverted kid goes from a private school to a public school right when puberty starts…Love it. But, there were other nerds like me, and some of them even rode my bus; friends (to this day). It was 1981-82, so OF course nerds were reading Tolkien and playing Dungeons & Dragons; we were no different. I always played the Paladin; it was in my blood, it was what I was trained for…Yet, I was always drawn to the ‘Monster Manual’ and the section on demons and devils…Asmodeus (Asmodai to some) especially drew me. I also was drawn to the later ‘Deities & Demi-Gods’ manual, concentrating on the Egyptian and Sumerian. The soil had been tilled and the seeds have been sown.

I also started masturbating quite a bit. I had found my parent’s (later to be known as my mother’s) copy of “The Joy of Sex”. I had seen my first Playboy about 6 yrs of age when my Dad left it on the kitchen counter. As a 12 yr old, I found what a vacuum hose could do for a horny lad as well. In this time frame, I spent a lot of time with my grandmother since my granddad had died. She would get undressed in front of me every night, her large, pendulous tits hanging. She was only 51 at the time, so a prototypical GILF I suppose. I would try and touch her at night, to no avail. Yet I was awakened to her hand on my 12 yr-old cock. She stroked and rubbed, but when I turned she stopped. I wondered how many times before she had done it and I never woke. I wish I had been awake to cum for her; life would be different.

Fast forward to after high school (in which I had my spurt as a punker). I’ve joined the National Guard (Infantry, of course) and have found a girl I was going to marry. She was a well proportioned girl, with voluptuous, natural tits. Yes, that’s the first thing I noticed, as the first time I met her was at a pool party where she was in a red bikini. I still have that vision in my mind after 27 years like it was last night and probably will never lose it.

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