A log, an entry…

I am anxious to see results of this new self. I’m not a patient person, tend to be a bit AAD and some would say intelligent. I’ve been called ‘Sheldon’ and C-3PO; lovingly and derisive. Being of the original ‘Star Wars’ generation, it’s hard not to draw comparisons of journeys to those of some of the characters in that series. But, I’m none of them. I am my own person, making my own choices. The Luciferian / Satanic way of individuality, knowledge and personal choice are the building blocks of what I want my second life to become (and no, no relation to the mmorpg).

My outward appearance hasn’t changed. Willfully and fortunately, I have maintained the appearance of my former self. No difference in hair, style of clothes, etc. No desire at this point either. I do have the incredible desire to get a tattoo. In my former life, a tattoo was taboo and evil; you mark your body, “…you’re going to Hell.” Well, at this point, okay. I’ve even decided on the first one I would get; the sigil of Lucifer. Seems cliche, but all my friends who have ink tell me that it never ends. And if this is the beginning of something, I might as well start off with a “no-brainer” first choice. Simple, to the point and start the path on the left foot (intended, but also a military thing…You always start a march or cadence on the left foot).

I may need to be patient…I know I do. I have never felt this way about anything before. The feeling is like waiting to open presents, seeing your favorite ride with no line at the carnival, and that first cum shot after no sex from being in the field for too long. All that and then wrapped into a esoteric desire that isn’t of this world. I believe that is what I am experiencing; if not more. I never felt this way about anything Christian; ever. It was matter of fact; “Yes, I believe…”, or “Of course I do”. None of it was ever with the passion and zeal I feel now.

I’ve never been happier; I have Joy. My moments of frustration or anger are momentary and dissipate like rain clouds, instead of lingering. My friends have commented that “This is honest”, or that “I really needed to make sure you were you”; that coming from two of my most trusted friends. Yes, I am a Satanist and I have Joy in my life because I am able to be me, without reservation.

What Made Me…Part I

A new beginning, but do I say the sun has set and the new night of darkness begins? Or, was the light that shone before artificial, like a boy scout’s flashlight, only to be turned off to experience the depth of the darkness and truly see the stars? I have no clue…But it is a choice I made and will continue with in this second life.

My first life, or first 50 yrs of my current life, was spent in reverence of Jesus Christ as told through the doctrines of the Catholic Church. My parents were and are not religious people; yet they sent me to Sunday School at the Methodist Church when I was a toddler. Upon reaching age for Kindergarten, I began attending the local Catholic school; primarily due to it being an all day Kindergarten and would allow my mom to work. I became enthralled by the school, the nuns…the doctrine and discipline. My mother had taught me to read and write by the time I was 18 months old, so I was a quick study. The structure was one I was familiar with; I was at home.

In my early days at school, I was also subject to a series of movies at the local drive-in theater, due to a lack of babysitter. One was “The Exorcist”. Yes – a 5 yr old child, going to Catholic school, seeing that movie on a dark night at a drive-in – trauma ensued. Though now, 45 yrs later, I enjoy looking at images from the movie. I have even masturbated to the image of a ‘possessed’ Linda Blair. You are correct; there’s a perceived psychological hiccup there. But is it really if I am aware of it? If I am conscious of my decision to come to terms with what happened as a child, and go to the other end of the reactionary spectrum, is it an issue? No, especially according to the most recent language in the DSM V. But, that is getting into the ‘tall grass’ which sinks into a ‘rabbit hole’. We shall move on, but I’m sure it will resurface in later posts.

I was not baptized during my time at Catholic school. I would say all the prayers, attend all the functions; yet, at mass on Fridays, I was left in the pew when the other children would go to communion. I didn’t feel left out, at least I don’t remember feeling that way, but I watched and learned. I did play a key role one time. I did play Pontius Pilate for the enacting of the stations of the cross during a Good Friday celebration; I was the magistrate who condemned Jesus to death.

So, I move from the Catholic School to the county public school system for junior high and beyond…So, a nerdy, overweight, introverted kid goes from a private school to a public school right when puberty starts…Love it. But, there were other nerds like me, and some of them even rode my bus; friends (to this day). It was 1981-82, so OF course nerds were reading Tolkien and playing Dungeons & Dragons; we were no different. I always played the Paladin; it was in my blood, it was what I was trained for…Yet, I was always drawn to the ‘Monster Manual’ and the section on demons and devils…Asmodeus (Asmodai to some) especially drew me. I also was drawn to the later ‘Deities & Demi-Gods’ manual, concentrating on the Egyptian and Sumerian. The soil had been tilled and the seeds have been sown.

I also started masturbating quite a bit. I had found my parent’s (later to be known as my mother’s) copy of “The Joy of Sex”. I had seen my first Playboy about 6 yrs of age when my Dad left it on the kitchen counter. As a 12 yr old, I found what a vacuum hose could do for a horny lad as well. In this time frame, I spent a lot of time with my grandmother since my granddad had died. She would get undressed in front of me every night, her large, pendulous tits hanging. She was only 51 at the time, so a prototypical GILF I suppose. I would try and touch her at night, to no avail. Yet I was awakened to her hand on my 12 yr-old cock. She stroked and rubbed, but when I turned she stopped. I wondered how many times before she had done it and I never woke. I wish I had been awake to cum for her; life would be different.

Fast forward to after high school (in which I had my spurt as a punker). I’ve joined the National Guard (Infantry, of course) and have found a girl I was going to marry. She was a well proportioned girl, with voluptuous, natural tits. Yes, that’s the first thing I noticed, as the first time I met her was at a pool party where she was in a red bikini. I still have that vision in my mind after 27 years like it was last night and probably will never lose it.